Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone
But still miraculously my own
Never forget for a single minute
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it.
~Fleur Conkling Heyliger
It's easy to think that my girls are twins. I dress them alike sometimes, they are about the same size, and of course they are both Chinese (though in my opinion they look worlds apart). I get asked everywhere I go if my girls are twins. I typically say, "No, they're a month apart." Most of the time people look at me a little strange and then ask if they're mine... to which I reply, "YES!" This quiets the questions... usually. Of course there is the occasional person who, after this conversation will say things like: "If they are a month apart they CAN'T be sisters!" or "No... what I mean is... are you their FOSTER mother?" Ummm.... the answer is "YES they ARE sisters" and "NO, they are mine. They came from China. I am NOT their foster mother."
I'm pondering and have asked many of my friends: "Am I answering the initial twins question wrong?" Doug told me I should answer, "No, they aren't twins they're sisters" which I like and I guess I could then add that their birthdays are a month apart. I guess what bothers me some is why in this day and age of diversity people don't just smile and think ("think" being the key word) to themselves, "Oh, they must be adopted." You see... I don't like the word "adopted". I opt to say they came from China.
I guess unlike some who have not had experience with adoption, I feel God simply decided that our daughters needed, for reasons of His own, to be delivered to the wrong address (or as Doug says, I filled out the paperwork wrong so the stork dropped them off at the wrong place). I feel that God has a plan for each family and that we just got blessed with the chance to hunt down our kids instead of birthing them all. Why when we birthed Erin did we get so much more attention from strangers and acquaintances than when we brought Claire home? I'm sure it was an oversight for some people, but why an oversight? Notice I said "acquaintances"--- all our wonderful friends who read our blog were a wonderful support in both instances. Thank you!!
I don't generally ramble on my blog... just something I've been thinking about now that I've children both homegrown and grown from the heart. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
12 comments:
My mom got the twin question with Timmy and Matthew all the time and she used the, "No, they're brothers," answer. That usually took care of it unless someone asked how far apart they are. Look at it this way - if the fact that they were born a month apart throws people off, it means they are assuming that, as their mother, you birthed them both and that their father must be Asian. You can't blame them for being confused for a second. In this day and age of diversity people are becoming more accustomed to racially blended families, and second marriage families. Adoption isn't always the first assumption when family members look different from one another, so even though you don't like that word you may need to use it occasionally in order for people to understand. By the way, Erin's eyes look totally blue to me!
Thanks for the insight Mer'. I can always count on you! :) I guess I need to look at things from a different perspective. I haven't thought of it like that.
Miss you... by the way!
I agree, I would have assumed that people would just think adoption, but maybe it makes them uncomfortable and so they just say other possibilities. I wouldn't say they are twins either, just sisters and if people want to know more - they can ask, or if you feel comfortable enough you can volunteer that they are YOUR girls from China and they are 1 month apart - I would think that most people could then understand that. But it probably confuses them more now that you have Erin too. Some people just can't think outside the box and unless it's traditionally done - so to speak - they can't wrap their brains around it.
I hate people. Which is why I tell people that I'm selfish, that's the reason we don't have children.
Perhaps it's a matter of attitude, maybe I hate people too and it shows? When people ask me if they are twins I tell them no, they're 38 days apart. People generally proceed to look confused and don't say anything further.
I must admit that had I been present when the person said, "Well if they are 38 days apart then they can't be sisters." I think I would have replied, "And obviously you can't have a very high IQ." Alas, perhaps I am being provided opportunities to be more Christ-like in not being present for those situations.
Hey Stew, I thought you were manic depressive not selfish. (How's that for a flashback).
O Suzie and Doug, you know we will always have to deal with these silly, hair brain questions, that unless you havent been through the wonderful experience of adoption, you couldnt possibly understand. I mean, I never catch myself going up to some random stranger with children and saying, "are your children twins". I think sometimes people are just nosey because our children look different, although I must say that Piers looks less like me than Poppy (he ended up with beautiful blue eyes also, like his Dad, and I, like you, come from a family with dark hair and brown eyes which I thought for sure would be dominant). I have caught myself turning the questions around on people and it stops them in their tracks. Next time just say, "Why do you ask?", it's funny the reaction you get from people when you ask that!
I think no matter your situation people are going to be nosy and sometimes a little rude. I hate when people ask "How many kids do you have?" (like they can't count) or "Are they all yours?" or "Is this your last one?" or when they say "You have your hands full don't you". The worst is when they just stare at our family and whisper to each other! Oh well- let them talk!!! Oh and Bermuda sounds like fun...unfortunately this year's trip has to be back to NY to see my family. No tropical get away for us!!!
Hey there gorgeous!!! Your children are just adorable! The girls are so dang cute! And what a sweet little baby! How lucky you all are to have each other! Such a beautiful family, I LOVE the pics. I am loving the bloggin' world as well- though it is hard to balance my little bit of computer time between facebook and my blog...so the dishes usually sit in the sink for too long! :D It is GREAT to catch up with you!
Oh, is that first comment from OUR Meredith from freshman year? Oooooooo HI! I love the internet! Come check out the crazy at my house on my blog at-
thebartonexperience.blogspot.com
:D It is just so exciting to get back in touch!!!!
Hey Suz! Since Leah is the only princess in the family I obviously don't get the "twin question" but people do still make the craziest comments and say things so dumb that I wonder if they walk away thinkiing "did I say that out loud?"! I usually tell people that Leah was "born in China". I don't bring up adoption right off other than if the conversation leans in a direction that I feel a prompting to spread God's word about it. I have to say that my favorite is the fact that I was actually asked (MORE THAN ONCE!) when Leah was tiny if she would speak English or Chinese! Our dear friend loves that and jokes with us about it a lot, the funny thing is that he and his family leave next week to pick up their new son from Ethiopia! Oh I have some good ones saved up! BTW, Erin looks beautiful in the bonnet!
Kerri,
We got that question too. It was phrased, "But how are you going to understand her when she grows up?" (About Paige) Of course, it was our little nephew (4 or 5 at the time) who asked. I sure hope it wasn't an adult that asked if Leah was going to grow up speaking English or Chinese.
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